This morning I was watching an episode of See Dad Run (Scott Baio's last run at TV) on Nick at Night. (First off - why does Nick at Night play all day on TV now??) This is not one of my usual shows, but it comes on after the Yes, Dear reruns and I happened to catch this one.
In this episode, David (Scott Baio) has to host a playgroup at their house. As he goes around the room, trying to entertain and socialize with the different moms, he comes across several of the new "trends" in parenting: The Tiger Mom who doesn't let her kids watch TV and teaches them Mandarin at age 6 and has a 16 yr old at Harvard. . . The Hippie Mom who serves only gluten-free-sugar-free-buckwheat muffins (?). . . The No Coddler who only allows 3 hugs a day and makes her son self-soothe through art (and he's like a baby Mozart), and The Attachment Parenting Mom who has a 6 year old in a carrier still sucking on a pacifier. So that night, David has a dream and panics because he realizes that he doesn't have a parenting style. He then goes on to incorporate every kind of strict parenting style and winds up driving his family nuts.
Sometimes, I have episodes like this where I feel inadequate as a mom. Thanks to social media like Facebook and mommy groups on sites like Parents.com, I've had my eyes opened to a whole wide world of parenting styles, ideas, and attitudes. After reading so much, it's difficult not to be hard on myself for not making creative cutesy snack for my kids, for not reading 20 books a day to them, for not doing sensory activities from birth or teaching them to play the piano at age two. (Which actually, I did start the piano at around age 3 or 4, but quit in the 4th grade.)
After a little reflection, I've decided that I'm not an Attachment Parenting kind of mom, we don't cosleep - except on those exhausting newborn nights when I fall asleep with baby in my arms during a midnight nursing session or when the kids are sick. I wore the kids in a Moby-style wrap or in a backpack carrier, but it was more out of necessity that I had to get stuff done and baby wasn't going to stay in one spot or was just having a "hold me" day. I don't believe in coddling, don't make a huge fuss when the kids fall and skin their knee, I make sure they're alright, slap a bandaid on it if required, and send them back out to play. But I'm not a No Cuddler, I do hug them, and smooch them, and squeeze their cute little cheeks and teach them how to give butterfly kisses and eskimo kisses, and smoochy-smoochy face kisses. There's a balance between making your kids feel safe and secure, and letting them figure out how to make their way in life on their own. If they feel safe and loved, but not smothered, they feel more confident and independent.
I'm definitely not a Tiger Mom - my kids watch TV and don't know a single word of a foreign language - mostly because I have a hard enough time teaching them the English language (both of my boys are in speech therapy) - but the first words I did teach them was "please" and "thank you". And despite Kindergartener's speech delay (which he has progressed with amazingly this semester!), he's still held to the standards of the other kids in his class. He still performs well in class (except for coloring activities, he's not a fan of coloring), he's not at the top of his class, but he's not falling behind. He has his strengths and his weaknesses, just like EVERY kid. We live on an organic dairy farm, and I try to do things as "natural" as possible when it comes to our health and how we raise our animals and our food, but I'm certainly no Hippie Mom. I'm a believer in DIY and living simply, but we're not off-grid or anything. We do a lot of things the way that The Husband's family has done them for hundreds of years, but still use new innovations to make our work easier. You won't find anything gluten-free in our pantry, but you will find a stockpile of sugar. We're lucky enough not to have any major allergies, so I don't worry about having the household on a complicated diet. My kids eat apples, bananas, and string cheese as snacks. They still get candy sometimes for a special treat, and while I don't keep Cheetos stocked in the house - we're big fans of tortilla chips and salsa.
The Tiger Mom character in the episode makes a statement along the lines of "kids who are entertained by brainless media tend to put the 'me' in mediocer". My kids watch tv, Bo and Kindergartener like "Jake and the Neverland Pirates", and all three LOVE Doc McStuffins and the Octonauts. I'm still a stickler about what they do watch - you will not see Spongebob on any of our TVs or anything that involves blatant stupidity for humor, but we all like watching Scooby-Doo together, especially when we can find the original episodes (Hubs likes the ones with the Globetrotters). I don't let them veg out all day in front of the boob-tube either, but we do have times like right now when we're snowed for a week straight that the TV is on most of the day. I try to break up the cartoons with actual movies or documentaries on the Nat Geo channel. Yes, we have Dish - there is no cable out here and The Husband just can't live without his ESPN. But our kids also have to go outside and play and run and make a mess when they play in the creek. Bo likes to help me plant the garden, Miss E has to be right in the middle of things during milking time, and Kindergartener LOVES to go on Adventures (other people call them walks in the woods). We pick up hedge apples, look for crawdads, climb trees, pick berries, and snuggle with our menagerie of critters. We go camping and jump in the silage pit and hunt for chicken eggs in the hay.
I'm also not Spotless House Mom, Drill Sergeant Mom, Never-Raises-Her-Voice Mom, Always-Put-Together-and-On-Time Mom, or Most-Nutritious-Best-Chef-Ever Mom.
So meh.
If our lifestyle makes me Mediocre Mom - then so be it. What I really liked about the "See Dad Run" episode is that at the end, he finally gives in at the next playgroup and gives his 6 year old daughter her beloved stuffed animal back. (He had taken it away and the poor kid had resulted to drawing a face on a roll of paper towels to cuddle with.) The "No Coddling" mom says, "You're going to regret that," but the dad stands up for himself and his kids and makes the realization that the only thing he's going to regret is not putting his kid's needs first. No "expert" can decide what is best for your family. No one has ever written a book catered to my family and our way of doing things. Sure, I could write such a book - but I wouldn't. Our style doesn't work for everyone else. What we value as important doesn't make the priority list in other families. I found out quickly after having The Kindergartener (back when he was The Squishy-Chubby-Snuggle-Bunny) that I didn't appreciate being told how to raise my baby. I didn't tell other people how to raise their kids, so why did everyone feel the need to tell me what to do with mine? I have my ideas, opinions, and theories about how things should be done, but I try to take the stance that my grandmother does: I'm more than happy to offer advice or ideas when asked, but I won't tell someone how to raise their kid. There's too much of that out there and we're stripping the fun and enjoyment of being a parent from each other.
So, I'll offer one piece of advice (because it's my blog, and I can): Follow your gut, it knows more about what's best for your family than any expert does.
No comments:
Post a Comment